So I got to go to Hugo last night, and I felt like taking my best guess about upcoming movies from the trailers.

The Lorax

aka- The Slow Death of My Childhood

Everybody will rant about how this ruined the original. This will be true. To be fair, the original would be a fifteen minute movie, and sickeningly depressing. On the flip-side, at least those painful jokes would be gone and my eyes wouldn’t be bleeding.

Current Review- Looks horrible, but I’ll give it a chance when it’s not in 3D

Joyful Noise

aka- Autotuned White Boy Saves the Day

The heartwarming tale of a legitimately-talented-but-let’s-pretend-they’re-not-because-of-narrative-arc-problems primarily female, black choir and the mildly talented white boy that made them more palatable to mainstream America.

Current Review- pleasepleaseplease let this movie be better than it looks

The Pirates!

Aka- Claymation!

I will be laughing uncontrollably through this entire thing, but this has a lot more to do with my sense of humor than it’s actual quality. In other news, claymation looks terrible in 3D.

Current Review- heheheheheheh

Brave

aka- GUYSGUYSGUYSAREYOUSEEINGTHIS?!

Lookit her hair! This is the loveliest thing and I really like how Pixar actually knows what they’re doing in 3D. I’m also really excited to see a female protagonist from them, though I wish they could have thought beyond the same ‘girl proves she’s just as good as the guys’ plot, and given her a ‘hey look a talented human being who also happens to be female’ plot. Still, I love this movie already.

Current Review- <3 …. pleasehiremepixar

Titanic and Star Wars 3D

aka- No. Stop that.

OK, so I no I fail modern culture by not being a huge fan of Titanic or Star Wars (even though I don’t really hate them), but why don’t we spend money on being able to make more daring and creative moves in the movie industry? I don’t care if you’re making 3D Billy Elliot and Run Lola Run. I’d rather see a new movie than these pathetic cash ins. I though The Hangover II would be the limit of our big budget failures of ingenuity.

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  1. swamp-spirit posted this